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The Mayonnaise War

The Gospel of Matthew tells us that in the End Times , we will hear of wars and rumors of wars, and that such things must happen. Even so, have you ever heard even a scintilla that there was any such a thing as The Great Mayonnaise War ? Well, prepare yourselves , and hold onto your sammiches.

For me, it has always been, and it will always be Duke’s Mayonnaise as my S.O.D. ( Spread Of Distinction ). Though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea , though its waters roar and foam, and the mountains quake with their surging ( okay, I borrowed that from my favorite Psalm 46 ), my allegiance will remain with Duke’s . So, it was a culinary kind of an earthquake to overhear some of my work cohorts extolling the virtues of the lesser mayonnaise posers , Kraft Mayonnaise or “Miracle” Whip ( misnomer alert), and Hellmann’s Mayonnaise ( does the name fit ? ). I never even imagined that those two brands dared to challenge the reign of Duke’s.

Here is my cogent , but persuasive and somewhat poignant case for the supremacy of Duke’s :

First, and foremost, taste is the ultimate litmus test, and my taste buds declare that Duke’s will win any scuffle with the others ten out of ten times.

Second, Duke’s Mayonnaise is SOUTHERN. It was invented , obviously by Divine Influence and right up there with Edison’s light bulb and the Coen Brothers’ movie , O Brother, Where Art Thou ? ( but that’s the subject for another Blog entry ), in Greenville , South Carolina by a an anointed lady named Eugenia Thomas Duke, who first began sanctifying sandwiches swabbed with her special recipe mayonnaise and then selling them to soldiers who were training at Camp Sevier in Greenville. She combined her mayonnaise spread so as to improve and perfect other delectable delights such as chicken salad, egg salad, and pimento cheese, which, in the food world, was analogous to combining Lennon with McCartney. Eugenia Thomas Duke was no fool on the hill, for sure, and naturally, her food music was a revolution that twanged taste buds here, there, and everywhere.

Third, the inferior spreads, Kraft Mayonnaise and Hellmann’s Mayonnaise, originated in Chicago and San Francisco, respectively, so need I say more ? Being non-Southern, or , more specifically a “Yankee” brand and a California brand, is yet a distinct Third reason why those brands fail miserably in their weak charge to try to overtake Duke’s as the King of all Mayonnaise Spreads.

According to Saint Matthew, many wars , including this skirmish sometimes referred to as The Mayonnaise War, must take place, but I find peace and comfort in knowing and believing that the Victor has already been decided. Tommy Cofield

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